Dedicated to the kind security guard, I met who taught me how to open my eyes, truly see others and just show up.
While attending an event, I grabbed the agenda booklet and sat down to listen to the speakers. There was no one there I knew so I took a seat. As I pulled my coat off I turned and put the booklet down on the chair to my right and turned to the left to pull my arm out. Then I turned back to grab the booklet and it wasn’t there. I looked on the ground. I looked behind the chair. I looked on my lap. I looked to the lady one seat over with a questioning in my eyes hoping she knew. She just shook her head like I haven’t a clue and turned back to face forward.
I eventually gave up and got back up to obtain another booklet. What would one do without the agenda for the night and description of each speaker? How would we function without the story of how the night would go predestined in front of us? Well, I just couldn’t have that so I fetched another.
Then a conversation was born.
The blinking line on my computer is taunting me. I know I want to write about the hard truth but struggle with the words. If you focus long enough, you can hear every ticking clock and sound surrounding you.
Why do I shy away from writing about the truth of my own faults? Maybe it is because people tend to not want others to know and we don’t want to be judged. Guilty as charged.
The other day I spent an hour long car ride talking out loud about my frustrations the things I feel guilty for. Yes I am admitting talking to myself don’t judge me. I know you were not but my inner voice says you might be just a little bit.
So the words of guilt just kept pouring out. Guilty that I don’t spend enough time with my kids, guilty for not seeing my grandparents enough, guilty for not cleaning the house enough, for not cooking enough, for not seeing my friends enough, for not exercising, for not doing more in the community, for not reading the bible more, for not….guilty for being guilty so much.